Short Pants

The weather is turning. Birds have returned to our mornings, singing us awake to the bright sunshine that has been held captive for the last 5 months. And with this new season, no matter how beautiful, comes something so ugly, so foul and so prevalent that it cannot be escaped; Capri Pants.

Soon, these too short pants will be unfolded from boxes labeled "Summer Clothes :)" and women all over will put them on their legs, claiming, "They're so cute!" and "They cover me up but keep me cool!"

I've never been skinny. I've always looked...fed and there was a time when I, too, believed Short Pants were the answer to shorts. I can't wear shorts. My thighs touch at the top. I've bought shorts 2 sizes too big just to create the illusion that I was small but even that didn't stop the rubbing. Walking down the street on a warm summer's day, I would transform into a a boy caught in a girl's outfit, constantly readjusting my crotch by pulling the inseam down and forming a barrier between my thighs.
I looked ridiculous; like someone hiding a ball of mozzarella in their underwear that needed to be pulled every 30 seconds to be kept viable.

So I bought baby powder. Spread along my inner thighs, this miracle powder could keep my skin stick free. I bought a big bottle for home and travel sizes for my purses and before long, I realized I was frequenting the ladies room just to reapply. The worst was the by the end of the day, I had caked on chunks of a sweat and baby powder dough stuck to my skin.

I swore never to wear shorts again. Then came Peddle Pushers and later on, Capri Pants. I thought, "This is my answer!' and "I'm going to look so summery and skinny in these trendy short pants" so I bought one million pairs in one million colors.

The result: I looked fat.
The truth: Most everyone does in those devil pants.

Somewhere in a sweatshop one day, they ran out of fabric. Instead of being beaten to death, these workers just made all the pants shorter, hoping no one would notice.

No one did.

People, summer jean-wearing because they can't wear shorts because their thighs touch people, bought the short pants not realizing that...

1. They end in the middle of your shin, cutting the long line that make you look skinny in pants. 
2. They make you look shorter than you are and stouter than you are. 
3. They are the devil in the clothes community. Not a short or a pant.  They try to walk the line between the two, not declaring their true allegiance. 
4. They invite shoe pairings that would, in normal circumstances, never be considered.
5. They are SHORT PANTS!!!

Please, reconsider your next purchase. Instead, buy a nice long jean or even a pant that hits just at the ankle, paired with a cute wedge or flat, but do not, ever, buy Short Pants again.